The River

By: Jaime Michel, LCSW, LSCSW
KCH Grief Support Specialist

I often find myself saying to those who grieve: nothing makes grief easy, but there are certain things that make grief more manageable. This can include the support of a Grief Support Specialist during the grief journey, when little to nothing makes sense and everything “feels” wrong in one’s life, including the worry that the person who grieves is doing something “wrong” in the way they grieve as compared to others.  

Jaime Michel, Grief Support Specialist

As a psychotherapist, I rely heavily upon analogies to create a common understanding between myself and the client, especially when trying to communicate about complex ideas or theories. It comes naturally to me to expand upon and adjust such analogies to the circumstances of the individual and their therapeutic needs. 

Crossing The River of Grief
One analogy I return to often is a commonly used-in-therapy image of various life’s struggles being compared to the task of crossing a river. And not just any river, but a raging, flooded river, overflowing with debris that can and will present some foreseen and too often unforeseen challenges to the person unfortunate enough to be faced with the task of crossing. The death of a loved one can feel exactly like crossing such a river, with moments when one is certain they will be swept away despite their best efforts to move forward and other moments even more terrifying than the last as one nearly collides with a tree in the water. The desperate struggle to survive is real, uncertain and all-consuming. 

Finally arriving on the opposite shore presents its own unique challenges. The griever will finally have the opportunity to collapse, exhausted and shaken to their core by this life event. As the moments pass, they will inevitably gaze back across these out-of-control waters and wonder how in the world they survived, as the view of the raging river from the shore is a radically different, yet scary (in its own way) experience when viewed from that perspective.  

This moment can feel incredibly lonely as the individual begins to contemplate the world “after” this loss. Far too often, the griever too quickly tries to turn their back on the experience, instead of focusing on putting one bone-weary foot in front of the other in an effort to move forward. They will find themselves back on that shore again and again however, staring out at waters that continue to confuse and confound until or if they can make sense of what happened and how they have been changed as a result.   

Consider a Different Approach
I invite my clients to consider a different approach. They’re encouraged to allow themselves time to rest on this shore, allow for reflection and assimilation of this life-altering event into their lives. They’re also invited to consider that they don’t have to engage in this task alone. Rather, if they can allow it, I will join them on this shore, ready and able to build a warm fire as the last light of day slips away from our surroundings. The dangerous churning of the river will continue to provide a backdrop for our discussion, but the warmth of the fire combined with a warm blanket draped carefully around their shoulders and a hot cup of cocoa warming their hands will eventually begin to penetrate and ease some of the hurt. Our quiet discussion can continue long into the night, perhaps even through the next day as they reflect, organize and begin to heal.

The Moral of the Story
The moral of the story is: the grief journey is long, but it doesn’t have to be pure agony. 

As was noted above, nothing makes grief easy, but there are certain things that can make it more manageable and that includes the emotional, sometimes professional support of others. If this reflects your own circumstances and you find yourself longing for the warmth and support of that fire and support on the shore, please consider reaching out to explore services available to you and your family from our Grief Support Specialist Team at Kansas City Hospice.

National Grief Awareness Day is Friday, August 30. This day provides an opportunity to do a grief check-in with yourself or your loved ones who may have recently experienced the death of someone close to them. Suggesting therapy for grief is one of the most supportive gifts you can provide. Take good care!